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Mr. Fuck-nuts Author: </a></b></a>… - Turk fanfiction, yay

About Mr. Fuck-nuts Author: </a></b></a>…

Previous Entry Mar. 8th, 2007 @ 06:10 pm Next Entry
Mr. Fuck-nuts
Author: </a></b></a>demonic_ducky
Fandom: Final Fantasy VII
Characters:  Reno and a tiny bit of Rufus at the end
Rating: M
Warnings: Lots of swearing, really vulgar and a slight hint at yaoi

This was a late night writing experiment.  I think it turned out rather well.


Click.  Light.  Puff.  Puff.  Suck.  Exhale.

I exaggerated the drag from my cigarette, drawing out the action so I could savor every bit of nicotine that entered my body.  The sensation from the drug overwhelmed my mind and put a strangle hold on my blood lust.  Which was a good thing.  The last thing you want on a recovery mission is to accidentally kill the target.  I did that once and the President had my balls locked away in a jar on his desk for a week.  I learned my lesson real quick… is when I picked up the cigarette trick.  It works wonders, trust me.

But I digress.  What was I talking about again… oh yeah.

I took a drag off my newly lit cigarette and leaned back on the brick wall of the alley.  I hid in the shadows, waiting for my target to round the corner.  According to my mission profile, my target liked to frequent this spot every Thursday night, only leaving when closing time hit. 

Damn bastard, why did he have to have good taste?!?!  The Bouncing Blondie’s was a renowned strip club below plate known for excellent dancing, bountiful… goods, and the best drinks in all of Midgar.  I mean come on… even above plate business men come here for a good night out.  And here I am, standing out in the freezing cold with the best damn tity bar taunting me for three god damn hours just in case Mr. Fuck-nuts decides to leave early for once.  The front door is right fucking there… I can see it!  I could pick off the bouncer if I had my gun drawn!!  But NO… do things quietly, don’t make a scene and above all else don’t go in the joint.  God damn it Rufus… what did I do to piss you off this time?

Damn… I need a cigarette.

I took another long drag of my smoke and focused on savoring the nicotine.  Closing my eyes I exhaled and tried to remove all thought of the big bouncing jiggling breasts that were on the opposite side of the wall.  Images of naked dancing beautiful women started to dance around in my head.  I took another drag of my cigarette and tasted filter.

Fuck!!  I pulled out another and lit it immediately.  Ok… so the cigarette trick wasn’t working.  Not knowing what else to do, I raised my hands in frustration.  Rufus… what ever I did… I’m sorry.  Nothing is worth this torture!

Loud music filled the emptiness of the alley as the front door was opened.  As the sudden music brought me back to my senses, I removed the glowing cherry from view, hiding it behind my sleek frame.  Observing the entryway I watched as my target made his exit, and he wasn’t alone either.  A brunette goddess with the perfect hourglass shape and legs that didn’t know when to stop was attached to him like a leech.  I looked at my watch to check the time… yeah, that would be a good reason to leave ten minutes early.  Lucky prick.

Mr. Fuck-nuts was not making my job any easier.  I’m supposed to pick his ass up and haul it off to meet Rufus.  Who knows why… it’s not my job to know why.  But it’s my job not to leave any witnesses, so now the fucker has left me with a dilemma.  Do I let this unfortunate bastard go home and fuck this bitch goddess or do I blow her brains all over the alley and waste one of god’s good creations?  I mean, this will probably be his last fuck since the likely hood of him stepping out of the Shinra building alive is very slim.  But the shithead already made me waste three fucking hours of my life waiting outside nature’s most pleasurable paradise.  That is three hours I could have been in there with that bitches boobs flopping in my face.  I’ll be damned if I am going to wait outside… again… and listen to that dickhead bust a nut!!

I ground my cigarette out on the wall until my nails hit brick.  I needed to get laid… badly!! 

As sleek as a cat, I moved along in the shadows following Mr. Fuck-nuts and his bitch gift from heaven.  I was hoping that luck would go my way tonight and they would slip into an alley to do the dirty deed. Sadly no.  I followed them for twenty minutes to the dead beats house.  At least it was a house… thank god for that!  Have you ever tried to keep things neat and tidy in an apartment?  Well for me it is almost impossible.  I like room to express my creativity.  

Damn it Reno… focus. 

They entered the house… finally!  I squatted down next to the living room window and listened while Mr. Fuck-nuts offered to take her coat and make her a drink.  I let out a quiet disappointed sigh.  This man had no skill with the ladies.  He must have offered her a lot of money or she was really desperate.  But that doesn’t matter ‘cause neither of them are getting what they came here for. 

I did a quick glance as the gentleman of the house hold retired to the kitchen for drinks.  It was a big open living room with couch on the outer wall which nearest to me, there was a tv on the inner wall directly across from the couch, a hallway to the left, the kitchen around the corner and to the right, and on the far right wall was a table filled with picture frames.  This is where the hottie was standing.  In those few seconds, I formulated a plan.  It would be tricky but I was sure I could pull it off and still be able to add some of my patented flare.  

Quickly and quietly I opened the door, snuck up behind the brunette and placed one had over her mouth to muffle any cries.  Her eyes widened as I sharply twisted her neck, ending with a snap.  Catching her lifeless body, I picked up the dainty frame and carried it to the hallway, using the darkness as cover to keep her hidden.  I lit another cigarette and went to go make myself at home. 

Sitting on the couch I made myself comfortable by placing one foot on the seat, drawing my knee close to me.  The other foot rested on the floor while the elbow of my right arm rested on my raised knee, with cigarette in hand.  I think the smell of the smoke caught the attention of Mr. Fuck-nuts ‘cause he walked back into the living room with a disgusted look on his face and was about to say something.  That was until he saw me on the couch.  I let a seductive expression cross my face as I blew smoke across the room.  “Chicky had to leave.  How about red instead?” 

You know what the fucker did?  He stood there dumb founded!  He was like a fucking rock, he didn’t move one bit.  Shit… can’t I at least have some fun tonight? 

Wanting to at least get some reaction I put my cigarette out on the arm of the couch then stood up and approached my target.  I reached inside my jacket and slowly pulled out my gun.  I raised the side of the gun to my face and sticking out my tongue, I licked the length of the barrel as dragged it across my chin.  The entire time I held my gaze with that asshole.  I could feel the craziness start to fill my eyes as I tried to place fear in the man’s very soul.  

Well I guess it worked ‘cause before I had a chance to say anything Mr. Fuck-nuts passed out, fell to the floor like a sack of potatoes.  For one brief second I threw a tantrum like a three year old.  Nothing was going right tonight… and now this fucker was denying me the pleasure of mentally fucking with him.  I put away my gun and walked over to my passed out target and kicked him in the head as hard as I could.  That should keep him out till I get back to Shinra. 

Looking in the kitchen I noticed a bottle of booze.  Not caring what it was, I took a huge swig, at this point in time any alcohol was good alcohol. 

I realized how wrong that statement was once the liquor touched my tongue.  It was coffee schnapps, sickeningly sweet coffee schnapps.  I HATE coffee… it’s the nectar of the DEVIL!! 

I spit out the remainder of the booze and I threw the bottle across the kitchen.  It hit a wall and shattered into a million pieces and made a huge mess that the home owner would never have to worry about since he would probably be dead tomorrow.  Looking down at the bastard I kicked him in the head again.  Fucker can’t even keep good booze. 

I let out a frustrated sigh and let my gaze fall to the floor.  You know what I saw… blood… on my boot…on my newly polished boot.  I had just polished these boots right before going on this mission.

FUCKER!  I kicked Mr. Fuck-nuts repeatedly in the ribs until my boot was clean.  I don’t care how many ribs I broke… all Rufus said was bring him back alive.  He’s still breathing damn it, so it’s all good.

So far this asshole has made me wait out in the cold outside my favorite tity bar for three hours, made me kill a gorgeous brunette, denied me the satisfaction of mental fucking with him, taunted me with the worst tasting coffee alcohol I have ever tasted, and made me ruin the polish on my boots.  If Rufus doesn’t kill the fucker… I’m going to!!

I threw this pathetic target over my shoulder and hauled his ass to Shinra.  I couldn’t wait for this mission to be over.

By the time I made it back to the Shinra building it was past 6am.  I headed directly to Rufus’s apartment, it was about this time he got up and stared his daily routine and I wanted to drop off his package… personally.  No one batted an eye as I stalked through the halls with a passed out Mr. Fuck-nuts draped over my shoulder.  This site was common, well… more common then it would be in your normal office building, that’s for damn sure.  Well, thank god no one stopped me ‘cause with all this built up frustration and rage I think I would have snapped. 

I reached Rufus’s door wanting to kill something.  I rang the doorbell and it chimed and happy little “Ding Dong.”  It made my body shudder and it took all my control to not punch into the wall and crush the device in my hand.  The bastard left me out there for too many minutes and the tension in my body was quickly rising, I couldn’t take anymore.

“Rufus… get your ass over here and open the god damn door!!  If I have to ring that happy go lucky door bell one more time… or you’re going to be extracting this informant’s face from your wall!!” 

The door slid open and Rufus stood in the door way in an immaculate white robe holding a cup of coffee.  His hair was already slicked back, with that one playful bang hanging in his face.  He let a mocking yawn escape his lips.  Fucking bastard rubbing it in my face that he gotta sleep in a warm fluffy bed while I spent all night in the cold while Mr. Fuck-nuts grated on my every nerve.  “Good morning Reno.  I see you haven’t had your morning coffee yet,” he said in a voice that was way to happy for how pissed off I was.  I swear I saw a smug smile cross his lips… if only for an instant.  Fucking bastard.

I tossed the target at Rufus feet.  “Mr. Fuck-nuts… as you requested,” I said with a slight mocking bow. 

Rufus raised a questioning eyebrow while looking over the body that lay before him.  He brought his gaze back towards me.  “Mr. Fuck-nuts?”  He let out a sigh and continued in that dry tone of voice that he uses to mock you… but not really let you think he’s mocking you… but you know he is… which makes it even worse… which is why I think he does it.  Fucking bastard.  “Oh Reno, I love your inspired creativity.  What did… Mr. Fuck-nuts… do to deserve this title?”

It was too early in the morning, or was it too late in the evening to play these games… fuck it, I don’t care.  I pushed my way past Rufus and stomped into his apartment looking for the nearest alcoholic substance… that did NOT taste like coffee.  All I wanted right now was some booze and a good lay. 

Rufus must have called for someone to take away my new best friend and closed the door because the next thing I knew he was curiously watching me as I tore apart his kitchen in my quest for the holy grail known as… well, hopefully vodka. 

Not finding anything, I grabbed something from the last cupboard I searched, it happened to be a coffee mug… I find that funny, and threw it at Rufus as I screamed in frustration.  So I was loosing it, no big deal.  Happens to the best of us… right?

Rufus caught the mug and before I could react, he threw it back at me.  It made contact with my face and cracked in half.  The pieces fell to the floor but not before cutting into my face.  Blood started to run into my eye which was enough of a distraction for Rufus to jump the counter that separated us and pin me against the fridge.   

“What is your deal Turk?”  His voice was a deep growl that would make any lion piss their fur.  “How dare you come into MY apartment, tear apart MY kitchen and then throw MY coffee mug at me!  I should have you executed for your lack of respect.”

Knowing that I had crossed the line, I had this wonderful idea to apologize and beg for forgiveness ‘cause an angry Rufus was not a good Rufus.  However, when I opened my mouth the apology came out something like this. 

“Fuck you!  Do you know what you put me through tonight?  You made me sit outside a strip club for three hours and forbid me to go inside.  It had women… and booze… my two favorite things.  They were right there!  I could hear them, smell them… practically taste them.  But I couldn’t have them.  And why… because someone has to play god and command his little troops ‘cause the fucking power trip gives him a hard on.  You run Shinra, which practically controls the world, but you can’t command everyone.  Now get me a drink!”

Shit… did I really just say that?  I did didn’t I?  Now I’ve done it… I’m gunna die and I just signed my own death certificate.

I watched as the anger spread across Rufus’s face and death filled his eyes.  He wasn’t dying anytime soon… it was my death.  I could see my death in his eyes.  That was an interesting affect that I’ve never seen before, and I’ve pissed Rufus off… a lot!  It was nice knowing ya Rude old buddy.

He leaned his face close to mine, so close that our noses were almost touching.  I could feel the anger radiate from him like a burning heat, but his breath was minty fresh.  Why do I notice shit like that?  Anyway, he spoke very scary words but much of the intimidation was lost as I was just too amazed with how fresh his breath smelled.  He would have made an excellent spokes model for some toothpaste company.

“You have it all wrong.  I don’t control you, I own you. You are mine.  Just another piece of property with the Shinra logo.  Another toy for me to play with.” 

At this point in time he physically lifted me off the ground and threw me out of the kitchen.  Rufus might look frail and feminine, but he is a strong ass mother fucker!  I am not a big guy by any means, but I am not scrawny either, but the bastard just threw me multiple feet out of a fucking kitchen.

Well, I landed on his glass kitchen table… thank god it didn’t break.  Something was finally going my way tonight.  But then things got worse.  I felt a hand grab my hair and drag me off the table.  Dude… not the hair… you don’t mess with my hair yo!  I reached up to the hand entwined my hair and not caring whose body it was attached to, I aggressively twisted it in an unnatural position forcing it to let go and guided the owner to the floor.

Ok, this is where people say that I should really think before I speak but what they don’t know is that I do.  I had this wonderful speech all worked up in my brain, something about how I was so sorry for intruding and to please not touch my hair. But yet again, my mouth opened before my brain could fully deliver the message.

“What’s my deal?  What the fuck is your deal?  I complete your stupid mission, deliver your fucking package, and all I want is a drink to calm my nerves and what do you do?  You throw a coffee mug at me!!  What type of host throws a coffee mug at their guest’s face?!?!?!”

Yeah… great.  Not only had I signed my own death certificate but now I was digging my own grave… lovely.  Thank you again mouth for speaking without fully reading the directions.

A forceful yell erupted from below me.  Oh yeah… I had Rufus pinned to the ground.  Shit, forgot about that.  “What are you talking about you idiot?  You forced your way into my apartment and threw the coffee mug at me first.  You were no way in hell an invited guest.  Now let go of me.”

Logically speaking, he had me there, but I’ve squirmed my way around logic before so I could do it again.  Looking around for some inspiration I noticed the bar.  Oh mother of mercy… a bar.  Why didn’t I see that before?!?!  As my eyes surveyed the booze the light of god shinned down upon my salvation… vodka, and good vodka too.  Mistress of Russia, where ever that may be, how I love you!! 

I let go of Rufus and walked over to the bar with a bounce in my step.  Alcohol, booze, VODKA… its all so close.  I reached for the bottle, Gray Goose… not to shabby.  I undid the cap as I spoke.  “I’ve had a bad night man.  All I’ve wanted to do is have a drink and get laid.  Is that too much to ask?  I am a simple man with simple needs.  All I want is for my needs to be fulfilled.” 

I tipped the bottle back and chugged.  Fuck a glass, I needed booze… NOW!  As the alcohol entered my body I felt better… felt calmer.  I know it wasn’t the affect of the vodka kicking in, it doesn’t work that fast, it was all just a mental thing.  Ahh, the power of the mind.

My mind blanked out for a second as I savored the relief the Gray Goose offered me.  When I came back to reality do you know what Rufus was doing?  He was fucking laughing.  LAUGING!  What is so god damn funny?  Fucking bastard.

Rufus crossed the room with an evil smile… still laughing mind you.  Fuck, I broke him.  Tseng is gunna to kill me.  But what Rufus did next surprised me.  He grabbed the bottle from my hands and spoke.  “You are by no means a simple man Reno.  You are a crazy son of a bitch whose only predictable quality is that he’s unpredictable.”  With that he tipped the bottle back and downed more then I did.  Shit, that boy can drink!  He thrust the bottle back into my hands, grabbed the collar of my shirt and started to forcibly drag me towards the bedroom.  Not knowing what to say in response to Rufus’s comment, I shrugged and tipped back the bottle for another drink as he dragged me away.  He’s got me there yo. 

Willingly, I followed Rufus to the bedroom.  I got my drink and now it looks like I am gunna get laid.  Tonight… well morning really… was turning out to not be that bad after all.  Sure, I might regret fucking the boss in the morning but as long as I got my thrills, I don’t care who it’s with.  Besides, it would not be a new day if I didn’t wake up with the hang over from hell and cursing the pervious nights actions.

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Date:January 22nd, 2008 12:36 am (UTC)

well done

Fucked up but beautiful, I love his vodka obession....
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